If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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