oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
