so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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