She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
