I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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