Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
