mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm so fucking centered right now
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
