I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
