i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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