Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
