The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
