your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
