I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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