dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
