I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
