Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
