do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
