I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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