Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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