Your face is a jimmy john
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
