i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
