I threw up into my coffee this morning.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
