hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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