The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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