We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
