Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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