i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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