How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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