im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
