If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
