I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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