just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have already put on my inside pants.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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