My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
