I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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