Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I have already put on my inside pants.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
