the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I lost the right to judge tonight
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
