Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
