I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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