she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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