I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
