it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
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He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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