tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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