Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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