Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
