lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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