I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
