just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
