Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
