he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
