Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
