3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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