yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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