Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
