Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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