I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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