My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
