I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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